Surrender: Part One

Joshua 1:1-9

Two years ago, I hit a serious low.  I had a side hustle business deal that went south and damaged an important relationship in the process.  Due to this failure, I was out of a place to live and had to ask my parents to take me and my two teenagers in while I sorted out my next steps.  Things in my real job were stressful as clients I oversaw were being bought and sold, upsetting the standing contracts and basically resetting our progress on those accounts back to zero.  On top of that, I was going through a serious heartbreak and was not overcoming that well. 

Between the stress of my career, the shame of having to ask my parents for help, and the devastation of losing my best friend in a bad breakup, I was a mess.  I ended up getting shingles that started in my scalp and went down the side of my face.

I have been through hard times.  I have lost everything and had to rebuild more than once and have always been able to rally and overcome.  But for whatever reason this time was just too much.  I couldn’t seem to get up.  I had no fight left in me. 

I am not a believer in managing stress with medication.  I have always felt like life deals you good times and bad and you have to mentally resist and defeat depression.  But, when you get diagnosed with shingles brought on by stress at the age of 38, you might need to humble that stance and take a doctor’s advice.  He could tell I did not want to be on anti-anxiety meds, but his advice was to take the lowest dose for at least three months.  Just until I could calm down.  Otherwise, he warned, my shingles were not going to go away but would likely get worse.  His fear was that if I did not calm down that the shingles would spread into my left eye and could potentially cause blindness.

So, feeling even more shame that I could not overcome this trial on my own, I reluctantly took the tablets home. 

That night, I sat staring at a pill in one hand and a bottle of water in the other.  I made a decision that I would take this for a time, but I would not become dependent upon it.  I would get my mind and spirit back to a place of freedom and peace. 

I know there is only one way to do that.  There is only one source that gives perpetual peace. 

So, that next morning, I set my alarm an hour early.  I rose, read one devotional piece and the chapter of the Bible it referenced.  I spent the remaining hour starting in Genesis and reading straight through until my hour was over. 

I did this every day.  I took my doctor’s prescription and the Good Doctor’s word and I applied them to my life.  And peace came.  It wasn’t easy, and it did not happen quickly, but over time acceptance for my situation, gratefulness that He had provided, and reassurance that there was still a plan for my life settled into my soul.  I went through stages of sorrow, frustration, forgiveness, rest, and reset.  I leaned into the grace I found in God’s word.  I heard His promises being sung over my life.  I began to believe that He had a plan for me and that if I was willing to surrender, He would take me to that promised land. 

Surrender is a big ask.  I have believed in God my entire life.  I have proclaimed my faith and led others in their walk.  But I don’t think that I ever truly surrendered before. I don’t think I knew how to!  I thought I had.  But believing that Jesus died for you is not really the same as saying, “Jesus, I no longer want my way.  I don’t want my will.  All the things that I have asked for and all the things my heart longs for, I don’t want any of it unless YOU want it for me. Change me.  Give me a heart that longs for your way.” 

I began trusting that his ways are higher than my ways and that his love for me is greater than the love I have for myself.  He already knows the end to every path I choose!  That is why the path He guides to is the best route!  Because He wants the best for me.  He is a good, good Father.  I had to learn to trust that his words were in place to protect me. That every trial I faced could be a building block to a better life if I would allow him to be the builder.  That means surrendering my plans, my tools, my work, my relationships, and just pursuing him.  Just chase him and he would take me out of the wilderness. 

And he did.  Within three months I was medication free.  Within a year, he told me it was time to leave home.  Not just my parent’s house but leave my hometown.  I moved to Nashville on faith.  I did not quite make enough money, but I gave it to God and he told me it was time to leave my desert and take the promised land.  He would take care of the giants in the way.

I was promoted the day that I loaded the U-Haul for the move. It was completely unexpected.  And it was exactly enough to cover the area of my budget I had concerns about.  Exactly enough. 

I have been in Nashville for one year.  In that year, God has surrounded me with friends that build up my faith, family that have walked with me through some hard days, opportunities to serve the community and help others who have hit their own bumps in the road.  Recently, I was offered a new position at a company based in Nashville; something that would have never happened if I had not stepped out in faith and made the move.  This position reduced my travel and greatly reduced my stress load while simultaneously offering me a chance to lead a new team to success in a business that I love.  They called me!  I didn’t even know they existed! I know it was a God thing.  My new team welcomed me, and some of them even prayed with me!  Where does that ever happen in corporate America? 

It happens in the land that God leads you to. 

It happens when you have finally had enough of the desert and you lay your life in the hands of the one who is high enough to see the oasis. 

It happens when you surrender.