The Break

Not so many nights ago, I laid awake talking to God with no filter.  I was tired.  Emotionally exhausted from trying to hold my ship together.  I won’t go into all the details, but Little Miss Fix It was about to break.

It wasn’t really the stress of all the challenges, but the being in it alone part that was crushing.

If I am honest, I know that I DO have help available.  I could make a phone call, and my parents would save me.  I have friends in town that would do anything at any time, all I need to do is ask. 

But I never ask. 

There are two things that I absolutely can’t stand; being made to feel unintelligent and feeling like I am a burden to someone.

The last thing I ever want to do is burden anyone.  I would rather figure out how to get what we need all on my own than feel like I caused someone else to sacrifice or feel my pain.  Maybe I have that “eldest daughter syndrome” that is popping up all over my social feeds.

Whatever the reason, I operate solo. Not necessarily by choice, but more in an effort to shelter everyone around me. Everything has been on my shoulders for so long that providing is my norm.  I don’t play the victim card, and I don’t even allow myself to think in terms of anything less than gratitude.

Usually.

But at this moment, I needed some help.  Not financial help, but comfort.  I needed someone to love me and to act like it. I needed someone to SEE ME. See my effort and appreciate me. Encourage me. I didn’t know who or how to ask.  So, I asked God. 

“God,” I said. “It’s been a long time since I have let a man anywhere near my heart.  I have sought out my relationship with you over everything else.  I feel like you have asked me to be patient in my single season, and I have not pursued a relationship apart from you.”

“But I am tired.  I am lonely.  I have no one to hug me at the end of the day.  No one to speak the words, “It’s going to be ok.  I got you.”  So, God, if you want me to walk this alone, and not with a partner, then I am going to need you to somehow shoulder this burden with me.  If these things have to be overcome, I need you to be the man for me.  I was not made to do all these things and face all this struggle in life by myself and my heart is about to break.  There is only so much one woman can do.  I need you in a way I have never experienced you.  I need it to FEEL like you have me.  If I let go and let God, I need you to show me that you have it.”

I have never prayed for God to step in as my husband before.  That sounds so weird, but that is basically what I asked for.  I was too tired to pull the ship against the current alone anymore.  I was asking permission to take a seat. Not give up.  Not quit.  Not admit defeat.  I was asking for permission to rest let Him figure out how we were going to get through this one. 

I was asking for comfort.  I was asking for invisible arms to wrap me up in a hug and reassure me that it was ok for me to do this.  That I was not a burden.  That it was His honor and His position in our relationship to lead.  I needed Him to say, “This is what I am here for.  LET me.  It brings me joy that you asked. Take a break.  I got you.”

So, I let go and let God. I am not good at it.  My faith was there, and even a sense of peace, but my heightened anxiety took some time to sit down and shut up.

But tonight, singing Switchfoot and chopping carrots in the kitchen, I realized that He did it. My problems are not gone, no miracle money dropped into my account and all the same obstacles surround me, but He lightened my load.

Through absolutely no prompting on my part:

Work called to say, “Don’t worry. We see your value.  We believe in you, and we are in this with you. Just breath.”

A friend called to say, “Let’s go for coffee and a walk and enjoy this spring weather.”

Someone showed up and said, “Let me look at your Jeep and see if I can fix it.”

Another friend showed up and didn’t say anything.  Just gave me the world’s best hug.  The kind of hug that you can disappear in. The safe kind. The kind that says, “I got you.”

And all that together, when you add it up, looks a lot like God selecting the willing to help lighten the load. 

He sent words of affirmation. 

He sent quality time. 

He sent acts of service.

He even sent physical touch.

Heck! The only love language He didn’t send was the receiving of gifts, but I’d say that the way He packaged up all those people in one week to lift me up, one day at a time and one love language at a time, that is a beautiful gift!

I was tired and I told God I thought I might break.  Today, he opened my eyes to see the beautiful break He gave me.

I asked God that if He won’t send me a husband, could He figure out how to make me feel as loved as the most tenderly cherished wife anyway. 

And you know what?  He did.

Champagne and Sweatpants

Well, Well Water friends, life is lifeing hard right now.  Anyone else just going THROUGH it lately?  I feel like I am under attack and start feeling sorry for myself. Then I come up long enough to check on some of you and suddenly I feel that my burdens are light!  Heavy waves seem to be hitting us all.  I find that very fascinating…we must be doing something right for the enemy to be so determined to keep us all from our purpose….

This morning, I did something I never do.  I stayed in bed until NOON!  Usually, by Friday night I am SO ready to sleep in the next morning.  But try as I might I have too much to do itching in the back of my mind. My “sleeping in” turns into up at 8 AM and I’m off to adventure or conquer or dream chase or whatever my whim is that day. 

But, this morning, I just felt…defeated.  I felt tired.  I felt ugly and unworthy and unaccomplished and all the “un” word things and I just laid there wallowing in the “why me” and the “when is this season going to end”. 

I’m on a fast with my church, so I wasn’t even scrolling social media.  I was just laying there for hours, awake and wishing I wasn’t.  Wishing I could run away. Maybe to a cave.  Or New Zealand.

You’ve been there?  Right?  Someone? Anyone? 

Noon came around and I decided that the point of a fast is to let go and let God, so after some fervent prayer I decided I would do something else I never do.  I spent some time focusing on ME.  Alone. 

  • I did a micro-needling treatment in my bedroom at home.  (Skin fanatic friends, get a Dr. Pen and some snail serum.  So much cheaper than the spa).
  • I washed my sheets. Get out of here self pity. Fresh sheets, fresh perspective…right?
  • I made my coffee WITH CREAM! Something I reserve for special occasions. (I know. Such a rebel.) 
  • I went to the vitamin store and bought things I needed to make my homemade facewash. 
  • WARNING!!! TMI: Then I went to Ross and did something I haven’t done in a decade. I bought new underwear. Just for me.  Hey, cheap thrills.  If you are a mom, then you know that having brand new clothing of any kind is just something that very rarely happens.  Silly, selfish, and so pampering. 
  • I wanted to go get a massage, but after debating the expenditure for that I talked myself into something more practical and went to Valvoline for an oil change. ((Just an oil change, thank you.  Not the $500 of other stuff they recommended…(Dear Jesus let that be a scam and not an actual need.))

I went home with my goodies, put on sweatpants, threw some veggies in the oven, got out all my essential oils and carriers and emulsifiers and texted my Boro Bestie, Jackie. 

Jackie lives three stories below me.  She is the fierce and loving momma of three beautiful children that call me Aunt Dani, even though I am definitely not kin.  She’s that kind of friend.  She’s the one I call when my kids are in the hospital, and she runs upstairs to grab my dog and anything out of my fridge that needs to be cooked before it spoils.  She is my laugh on a bad day and my prayer warrior when I’ve hit the spiritual wall.  She’s a firecracker of energy and an undiscovered stand-up comedian.  She is my PT at the gym, my makeup artist, my love-life advisor (I am taking applications), my defender and my confidant.  She tells me the truth when I don’t want to hear it, and she reminds me that God loves me and has a plan every time I forget.  And I do the same for her.  Maybe not as skillfully as she does it, but I am learning.

“Hey Jack.  I am about to make facewash.  If you want a refresh on your bottle, bring it up.”

Three minutes later she’s whipping in with her empty spaghetti jars, toddler in tow, hair in a pony, no make-up and gym clothes still soaked from the class she just finished.  Not one care in the world about presentation and ready for science class and cocktails.

I make facewash and shampoo at the sink.  She chases her toddler who wants to play my guitar and carry candles and do anything and everything but watch Mickey Mouse.  She finishes her hot mug of pineapple tea I made her when I pressed send on the text, so I pour her a glass of champagne, because that is the only calming liquid I have left on hand.

We discuss our current battles.  And we discuss our acceptance that this has not been our season but affirm to one another that our winning season is coming.  We are living our “not yet” right now, but our purpose is calling.  We pray.  We laugh.  And we thank God for giving us our twenty minutes of champagne and sweatpants. 

People, hear me. Get yourself a champagne and sweatpants kind of friend.

 It is amazing how much lighter your burdens will feel when you share a moment with someone who loves you in sweatpants, and believes for you when you can’t, that your champagne moments are yet to come.

~Proverbs 17:17

To my Proverbs 17 friends, “I thank my God every time I remember you” (Philippians 1:3)

Well Wishes,

Dani Nicole

The Hook

Growing up, fishing was a family affair.  We aren’t good at it, we never catch anything worth eating or mounting, and we didn’t have a boat to get us to the quiet part of the lake.  Fishing for us had a lot less to do with actual fish than it did spending time being disconnected from the world together. 

I like the casting and reeling part.  Of course I love catching a fish, and yes, I can take it off the hook all by myself.  But waiting for the bobber to sink under the water was never my strong suit.  I am impatient.  So, I would cast out as far as I could, wait about 2 minutes and swear I felt a tug on the line and start reeling in.  Generally, I would lose my bait in the process.  Hopefully we were using minnows.  I can bait that hook.  Worms…NOPE.  That is Dad’s job. 

My Dad is the type that will have three poles set up and he is watching all of them while simultaneously untangling me from branches, taking a hook out of my little brother’s hand, and keeping the youngest one from drowning.  All without a word of complaint.  Just enjoying the peaceful chaos of parenthood. 

One particular evening, watching the sun set into a bright orange horizon, I was casting and reeling per my usual method. 

“Dani,” Dad said.  “You can’t catch nothin’ if your hook ain’t in.”

I stopped and stared at him.  Even as a teenager, I knew that he wasn’t talking about fishing. 

What a simple way to make such a profound statement. 

You can have all the gear and be ready to go, hook, line and sinker, but if you don’t stay patient and keep your hook in the water you will never bring in the catch.

It doesn’t matter if you have all the skills, the best training, or loads of natural talent.  If you aren’t out doing the work and pursuing the goal and staying focused, then you will achieve nothing.

You must be persistent.  You must be intentional.  In order to succeed in life you can’t just dabble in the water every once in a while.  You have to stay deeply invested.  You can’t call it quits when you hit a snag. 

Sometimes you have to try new tactics.  You may have to move to another side of the pond.  But the main thing is to keep placing yourself in a position to win and be diligent.  Strategic. Focused. Patient.

And be alert.  Be ready.  When the big one hits the bait, you better have your eyes on the water and be ready to set the hook to bring in the catch.

Life strategy.  That is what my Dad taught me in one simple sentence on a hot, concrete dock with nothing but a $30 fishing pole and a container of nightcrawlers. I got a life lesson I will never forget and a darn good hook for my next song.

Wise man.

~Dani Nicole

Trusting Blind

Confession: I drive too fast.

I’m the only daughter of a mechanic who claims he missed his calling as both a preacher and a race car driver.  Maybe some things just run in my blood.  I have halted many of my reckless ways as an adult, but I do have to keep my lead foot in check from time to time.

Generally, I am an adrenaline junkie, but not this night. 

This particular night the sky had been ripped at the seams.  The clouds were too thick to see 15 feet in front of the high beams and the headlights had nothing on the blue/white brilliance of the storm split scene when the lighting crackled through the rain ravaged trees. 

Back country roads in east Tennessee were not made for flash floods like this one.  Intermittent puddles and washed-out riverbeds crisscrossed the road like they owned this land. 

So tonight, I was practicing caution.  But I was following the black tailgate and bright red lights of my little brother’s truck, racing my way to a house he had recently purchased.  I did not know the way.  I did not know these roads.  But I knew my brother.

My brother knows me.  He knows I drive fast, and he is competitive.  No one wants to show me up more than he does.  No doubt that even in the oil slick streets, he still wants to make an impression.  On a clear day, he would. But not tonight.

I know my brother.  He is competitive. But he is cautious.  He overthinks everything.  He is safe. He is dependable.  He wants to win, but at zero expense.  He may decide to drop the hammer, but he will calculate every single detail beforehand and along the way. 

Shifting into third we rounded a corner, lightening flashed.  Tail lights ahead picked up speed.  I laid on the gas in response.  Brake lights flashed, and I slowed.  Heart hammering and the adrenaline junkie in me coming out, I laughed out loud a little nervously. 

But I know my brother.  He took a break, because he knows the road and he knows me.  If he shows the road no mercy, I won’t either.  And my brother loves me more than he loves this game of sibling rivalry. 

We brake past a turn. Past barbed wire pastures on both sides of the two-lane road.  And he dips.  Out of nowhere, gathering speed and with no brakes, my little brother’s truck faints left hard into the other lane.

Without hesitation, with no time to think about it, I follow his path.  I don’t question it, I don’t panic, I just pull to the left and follow those lights until they lead me back to the right side of the road.

We were home, parked, and shaking off the onslaught in his kitchen two minutes later. 

“I was wondering what you would do.”  He said. 

“You mean when you dodged hard left out of that turn back there?” I asked.

“Yeah!  There is huge pothole right there and this rain might have washed it out even more.  The city really needs to fix it, because it could really tear someone’s car up.  I forgot about it until we were right there on it.  I skip it out of habit…I wasn’t sure if you would follow me blind like that or not.  I am so glad you did.  Probably would be waiting on a tow truck right now if you hadn’t been brave in that moment.”

“I wasn’t being brave.  I know you.  I know you might test a speed limit, and I know you know these roads, but I know for sure you would never double dog dare me in a dangerous situation, because you know I always rise to a dare.  So, you know better.  I am a risk you would not take.”

“And as soon as you followed my lead, I knew that you trusted me blindly.  In the dark.  Weird.” He said.    

“Cool.” He said.

And isn’t it cool?  Isn’t that rare?  Isn’t it special when you just know that someone wants to show you the way home and wants to share a new path with you and wants you to find joy in the ride, but they know you?  And they look out for you?  They take your impulses into account and they measure how much you can push on your own. They show you where to divert when there is danger in the path ahead.  They make a way and they keep the pace and they want you to laugh but their number one concern is to land you at home safely?

Isn’t that love?  Isn’t that family?  Isn’t that what it should be, if it’s not like the one you had?

There is a Father that loves you and designed you so He KNOWS you.  He knows that this world is both beautiful and treacherous. He knows that storms come and pathways get washed out.  He knows that we can be impulsive and rebellious, and He values our souls and our purpose.  He knows us.  It is up to us to recognize His light so that in a storm, we will follow him.  No questions asked.  Even in the most tumultuous of circumstances, he anticipates your reaction. 

Build your faith until you can trust blindly and know that your God will light your path, leading you safely home.

The Maker’s Gift

We all have experience with living out the phrase “when it rains, it pours”.  I have been going through the storm the past month, but a miracle happened in the midst of mine, and I am honored to share this story with you.

The backstory:

Labor Day weekend: I had originally typed out a whole, long narrative to explain how the downhill started, but short attention spans are a by-product of our over stimulated lives, so I will suffice it to say this.

Labor Day weekend did not go as planned.  I thought I would take some “me” time and stay home and write song lyrics, but my son decided to have a full-on appendix attack on a white water rafting trip three hours away.

I ended up rushing across the state in the middle of the night for an emergency, holiday weekend appendectomy.

Glad he is ok, and that it was caught before it burst, but this is sure to be royally expensive.  I know it’s just part of the parenting gig, but as a single mom with two Type 1 Diabetic, insulin dependent kids, extra medical debt is not really something I casually shrug off.  It stresses me out. 

Now, God has blessed me with so many open doors and opportunities, but every time I feel like, “Yes! Now I will have enough money to save for a home! Or retirement!”, something will inevitably happen so that my increase covers our immediate needs, but there is never quite enough to plan for the future. 

Anyone else know exactly what I mean? 

It gets worse.

Later that same week: My transmission blows.

…….yeah.  I am going to just let that hit you for a minute the way it hit me.  Now I am officially stressed.

I know it is the transmission because I am a mechanic’s daughter.  I also know that this is a very expensive problem. 

Day 1: I call my neighbor in the middle of the night to come get me, because my car won’t move.  I leave it in a restaurant parking lot.

Day 2: I have it towed to a local transmission shop.  Why?  Because I am a single female who is afraid that the car dealerships will take advantage of me. 

Day 3: I am back at work, waiting nervously for a phone call about the damage and what I know will be an outrageous sum. 

I underestimated the price tag.

Call comes in.  $12,460.00. 

That is how much they want to replace the transmission.  My car is only worth $15K. 

I stand up, go outside, sit in my friend’s car that I had borrowed to go to work, and I just lose it.

My co-worker comes to check on me.  I pull it together and walk back inside.  My boss asks me why the long face.  I explain.

He says, “Let me make a phone call.” and he walks away. 

Day 4: My alarm goes off.  Before I open my eyes, I start thanking God for all the ways He has blessed me.  I know that I am swimming in a tidal wave of what could potentially be a financial disaster for me, but I wake up encouraged by all the faith I witnessed in my teammates and family the day before.  I don’t know how, but I believe that God will make a way where there seems to be no way.  I go to work and apologize to my amazing co-workers for my defeated attitude the day before. 

After all, having a car with issues is a 1st world problem.  I am still blessed and, even with surgeries and transmission issues, I am still living my best life because God did not bring me this far to leave my side now.

Later that day I got a call from Beaman Toyota in Nashville.  My boss had made a call to the owner there.  One of their sales team members has been assigned to my case. 

He is phenomenal with people.  I can tell from his voice that he is young but knowledgeable with a genuine desire to help. 

He asks me if he can have the car picked up and towed the 40 minutes from the shop it is at to the dealership service department in Nashville.

“How much?” I ask.

“No cost, we will just go get it and see what is going on.” he replies.

Absolutely.  “Yes, thank you.” I say.

“Do you need a loaner car? So, you don’t have to stress about using your friend’s car?”

“Um. Yes.  But how much is that?”

“No, ma’am.  We will just give you a car to get you around until we know what’s going on with yours.”

“Really?  Then yes!  Yes, thank you so much.  I can be there tomorrow morning.” 

Day 5: It is confirmed.  It is the transmission.  Additionally, there is some filter that needs to be replaced, and the seals in my doors have gone bad and need to be replaced as well. 

“How much?” I ask.

“We are working with corporate to try and get some of this credited for you because this is very unusual for this make and model.  Toyota stands behind their vehicles.  Let’s wait and see what they say.”

“Ok.  Thank you so much for doing that. For taking the time to escalate this.  I really appreciate it.”

Day 6:  I am on the golf course for a fund-raising event I participate in for one of my clients.  I have not seen my golfing buddies since the previous year’s event.  I am filling them in on my current life struggle and one of them says, “Let’s pray about this.” So, we do.  We pray that God will provide.

One hour later: “Miss, this is Toyota calling.  We wanted to let you know that the transmission has been ordered. All of the items that were listed as issues are being repaired.”

“We also wanted to let you know that the request for a goodwill credit came through.  Not only did we apply that credit to your bill, but we worked some magic here at the dealership to help you out on the rest.”

“What?  Really?  Wow!  That is fantastic!  Thank you so much!!!  What is the remaining balance?” I say.  See, I can’t even fathom what he is saying.  I can’t imagine that my full debt was cancelled.  It does not seem possible.  I don’t deserve it.  Nobody does that.  Nobody just completely cancels an enormous debt for a complete stranger. 

“Miss, there is no balance.  We want you to have a vehicle you can safely rely on.  We are taking care of everything.”

And the tears start to flood.  I am overwhelmed.  I am amazed.  I am humbled and honored and grateful and “Thank you” is not a phrase that can communicate what is taking place in me emotionally. 

The owner, my boss’s friend, calls me a few minutes later.  I stumble through a thank you that I know will not do justice and he says, “You don’t know me, and I only know what your boss shared about you.  But my wife was once a single mother.  I know her story, and if yours is anything like hers, you deserve this.  But I want you to know that God is with you.  He is with you in this miracle and in every fire, every day.  He is walking with you in them all and every day he is in the miracle making business.” 

Friends, let that all just sink in.

My car had a complete and total internal failure.  The only option was to seek help from an expert.

Instead of taking my car to its maker, I took it to someone I thought might be less knowledgeable and less skilled, but would ask less of me, because I was afraid that the expert mechanic at the dealership would demand too high a price.

Someone went to the expert, the manufacturer, the maker, and plead my case on my behalf.

My story was presented.  My inability to pay was conveyed.  And the maker’s heart was moved because he could relate to the journey.

My debt was completely cancelled by the same people that I was trying to avoid because I believed they would ask more of me than I could give. 

And there is no way that I can ever repay it or say “Thank you” enough times to cover it.  The best way I know to express my gratitude is to tell of their kindness and goodness and mercy.  To make sure that their gift and their sacrifice are recognized.  That they know because of my testimony that I am forever grateful because I was made fully free from the incredible load I was carrying, because they worked all things for my good when I couldn’t. 

The people at Beaman Toyota worked a miracle in my life this week and they gave God the glory.  I am sharing this story because their kindness deserves recognition. 

They made me a brand believer for life.  Absolutely.  I am so impressed with Toyota because the PEOPLE matter.  I will never forget what they have done for me and my kids today, and I will be an ambassador for their brand and integrity to anyone who will listen so that I can bring others to their doors for their next vehicle repair or purchase.

But what they don’t know is how many people on the golf course heard my story that day.  How many people witnessed a miracle take place.  The people that now have to question if maybe this God thing is real!  Maybe Jesus does answer the prayers of his children.  Maybe he does network one believer to another and maybe people really do want to love their neighbors as themselves!  Maybe there is something mightier than the dollar bill and maybe his name is Jesus.  The way maker.  The miracle worker.

Maybe, just maybe, there is reason to seek counsel and ask for repair directly from the Maker Himself.

Now my pre-conceived fears and misconceptions have been replaced with humility, thanksgiving, joy and faith.

Next time, I will go straight to the source.  And maybe now you will too.

Surrender: Part 2

This section of surrender is so delicate, not just because it is a sensitive and personal topic and not just because it will require some honesty and transparency on my part, but because with this level of honesty there is a risk that offense will be made regardless of the innocence of the intent.

My prayer is that God would guide me in my approach and delivery of this confession and use this as a catalyst for courage.  Again, courage not just for me to share this, but for me to be able to live it out and for maybe someone, somewhere to read this and feel emboldened to also stand in this surrender. 

So here we go.

In my pursuit of Christ and in my abandonment of self I have ever so slowly, subtly, and steadily experienced a shift in my desires.  I prayed that His will be done and that He would take all my heart’s desires and replace them with His.  I prayed that my trust would grow and that who I am would start to look more and more like who He is. 

What I did not expect to happen is that it worked.  Because it did not happen overnight, I did not pray for change and wake up the next day behaving in a completely different way and making bold claims that Jesus had made me a new person and I was guiltless and never going to sin again. That is not how it happened.  It happened so gradually that I almost didn’t notice it.

What I noticed first was peace.  I noticed that I was no longer punishing myself with my guilt and my self-pity and that I was trusting that when God says He forgives me, that it is forgiven and gone and now I live under the protection of His grace. 

But He is still a God that seeks our loyalty out of love for him.  He is not looking for slaves, He is looking for sons and daughters.  For that reason, just because He has forgiven us does not mean that He will then force His will upon us.  We are allowed to choose to submit to it and desire it and pursue it.

So, here is what I found.  I may have renewed commitment to Him and accepted His mercy and asked for His will, and I may have meant every word and longed for that in my soul, but the day-to-day temptations of the flesh had not been removed.  I had the same friends going to the same places and seeking the same pleasures.  I love these people and they had been there for me in dark times, but there were things about that lifestyle that were not in alignment with what I was asking God to do in me.  Little by little, the more I sought God the more the Holy Spirit within me shook when I acted in ways that were incongruent with my commitment. 

Here is what happened.  The Holy Spirit living in me rebelled against my flesh.  I could no longer find pleasure in participating in the things that our culture today calls societal norms. 

I believe that God moved me to force me into some serious alone time so that I had to really evaluate the condition of my heart.  He took me out of my city and set me in a place of loneliness, asked me to be brave, and reassured me that He would wait here in this place of solitude with me and that if I would still be willing to submit, He would see me through and bless me in this place. He has. 

But here is where it gets hard.

A year later, I have been living in a new city and slowly made some new friends, but I have not been on a date.  I have never, ever been on a dating app, which in today’s society is already going to make it very difficult to meet someone.  I understand that, but I had already chosen not to put myself out there to be selected based off my best selfie prior to my decision to surrender my own desires in exchange for His.  What changed is that I am no longer looking.  I am not dating, not trying to date, not putting myself in a position to meet anyone and not going to out to the typical environments that lead to a meet-cute.

Here’s why.  It’s because I am bad at dating.  I am great at loving people and have a true, natural desire to want to take care of people, but I am bad at protecting my heart, my relationship with God, and my finances from people that I love. 

I am not hiding from the dating scene because I live in fear that I will be hurt and heartbroken.  I am just no longer intrigued by a relationship that leads with attraction, moves to sexual sin, and then considers God’s will after my heart is already invested. 

My heart is invested.  It has taken a year of practice and commitment, but piece by piece my heart has recognized that it has been bought and paid for by the Holy Spirit and I can no longer settle for anything superficial and still live in the peace that has come from my time of solitude and submission.  I can’t go back to a lifestyle of modern American culture.  I just can’t do it.  I don’t want to do it.  My desires have changed.

What I want you to hear from this is that it was gradual and it was painful and there were days of initial denial and attempted rebellion, but they led to a soul sickness that was almost physical and I changed my prayer from “God, I don’t want to be alone” to “God, if I am going to be alone help me to not feel so broken and desperate for companionship that does not draw me closer to your plan.” 

My prayer changed.  My heart’s desires became His heart’s desires because that is what I asked for.  I am living in complete contradiction to everything current culture says I should be doing if I don’t want to end up doing life all alone.  Is that scary?  Of course!  Is that brave?  I think so.  Is it lonely? YES! 

Is there peace in trusting that either God will provide a partner that is equally invested and will deepen my walk and add to my peace OR He won’t, and He will walk with me and ease my suffering and allow me to find joy and fulfillment as I chase after the purpose He has for me.  ABSOLUTELY.

That is a big sacrifice.  That is a lot to surrender.  This has been the absolute most difficult part of my journey, because if you know me then you know that I want to be loved.  I want so badly to be in love and loved by someone.  I don’t think I am so different in that.  I think most of us want that.  But for me, God has asked me to give up the search and to let Him do the work on this.  My instructions are to wait and to get ready for whatever He shows me next. To let go and let God in ALL things, especially in the areas that have always been most difficult to surrender. 

The reason this is so hard to share is because this type of declaration invites all kinds of judgement from those who know my past and from anyone who does not share my conviction.  That is fine.  I understand that this is not a popular stance and will cause people to question my sanity.  That is okay, because I would not trade the peace that I have found for all the swipes or the likes in the digital universe. 

It’s my walk.  It’s my surrender.  Yours may look different, but if you are not being challenged in some way on some level then it might be time to evaluate whose leadership you have surrendered to. 

Here is how you will recognize the path you are on.

Following your own will is easy until it’s not, and then you will be running back to ask God to fix it. 

Following God’s will is difficult until it’s not, and you will be running forward in confidence that where you are going is better than what you have left behind.

Surrender: Part One

Joshua 1:1-9

Two years ago, I hit a serious low.  I had a side hustle business deal that went south and damaged an important relationship in the process.  Due to this failure, I was out of a place to live and had to ask my parents to take me and my two teenagers in while I sorted out my next steps.  Things in my real job were stressful as clients I oversaw were being bought and sold, upsetting the standing contracts and basically resetting our progress on those accounts back to zero.  On top of that, I was going through a serious heartbreak and was not overcoming that well. 

Between the stress of my career, the shame of having to ask my parents for help, and the devastation of losing my best friend in a bad breakup, I was a mess.  I ended up getting shingles that started in my scalp and went down the side of my face.

I have been through hard times.  I have lost everything and had to rebuild more than once and have always been able to rally and overcome.  But for whatever reason this time was just too much.  I couldn’t seem to get up.  I had no fight left in me. 

I am not a believer in managing stress with medication.  I have always felt like life deals you good times and bad and you have to mentally resist and defeat depression.  But, when you get diagnosed with shingles brought on by stress at the age of 38, you might need to humble that stance and take a doctor’s advice.  He could tell I did not want to be on anti-anxiety meds, but his advice was to take the lowest dose for at least three months.  Just until I could calm down.  Otherwise, he warned, my shingles were not going to go away but would likely get worse.  His fear was that if I did not calm down that the shingles would spread into my left eye and could potentially cause blindness.

So, feeling even more shame that I could not overcome this trial on my own, I reluctantly took the tablets home. 

That night, I sat staring at a pill in one hand and a bottle of water in the other.  I made a decision that I would take this for a time, but I would not become dependent upon it.  I would get my mind and spirit back to a place of freedom and peace. 

I know there is only one way to do that.  There is only one source that gives perpetual peace. 

So, that next morning, I set my alarm an hour early.  I rose, read one devotional piece and the chapter of the Bible it referenced.  I spent the remaining hour starting in Genesis and reading straight through until my hour was over. 

I did this every day.  I took my doctor’s prescription and the Good Doctor’s word and I applied them to my life.  And peace came.  It wasn’t easy, and it did not happen quickly, but over time acceptance for my situation, gratefulness that He had provided, and reassurance that there was still a plan for my life settled into my soul.  I went through stages of sorrow, frustration, forgiveness, rest, and reset.  I leaned into the grace I found in God’s word.  I heard His promises being sung over my life.  I began to believe that He had a plan for me and that if I was willing to surrender, He would take me to that promised land. 

Surrender is a big ask.  I have believed in God my entire life.  I have proclaimed my faith and led others in their walk.  But I don’t think that I ever truly surrendered before. I don’t think I knew how to!  I thought I had.  But believing that Jesus died for you is not really the same as saying, “Jesus, I no longer want my way.  I don’t want my will.  All the things that I have asked for and all the things my heart longs for, I don’t want any of it unless YOU want it for me. Change me.  Give me a heart that longs for your way.” 

I began trusting that his ways are higher than my ways and that his love for me is greater than the love I have for myself.  He already knows the end to every path I choose!  That is why the path He guides to is the best route!  Because He wants the best for me.  He is a good, good Father.  I had to learn to trust that his words were in place to protect me. That every trial I faced could be a building block to a better life if I would allow him to be the builder.  That means surrendering my plans, my tools, my work, my relationships, and just pursuing him.  Just chase him and he would take me out of the wilderness. 

And he did.  Within three months I was medication free.  Within a year, he told me it was time to leave home.  Not just my parent’s house but leave my hometown.  I moved to Nashville on faith.  I did not quite make enough money, but I gave it to God and he told me it was time to leave my desert and take the promised land.  He would take care of the giants in the way.

I was promoted the day that I loaded the U-Haul for the move. It was completely unexpected.  And it was exactly enough to cover the area of my budget I had concerns about.  Exactly enough. 

I have been in Nashville for one year.  In that year, God has surrounded me with friends that build up my faith, family that have walked with me through some hard days, opportunities to serve the community and help others who have hit their own bumps in the road.  Recently, I was offered a new position at a company based in Nashville; something that would have never happened if I had not stepped out in faith and made the move.  This position reduced my travel and greatly reduced my stress load while simultaneously offering me a chance to lead a new team to success in a business that I love.  They called me!  I didn’t even know they existed! I know it was a God thing.  My new team welcomed me, and some of them even prayed with me!  Where does that ever happen in corporate America? 

It happens in the land that God leads you to. 

It happens when you have finally had enough of the desert and you lay your life in the hands of the one who is high enough to see the oasis. 

It happens when you surrender.

Worth It

Today is full-body day.  There is snow melting outside my window and a two-inch layer of ice covering the walkway from my building to the gym, and everything in me wants to turn back over and sleep until it is time to go to church.  But, I am traveling for work this week and making time for exercise when I am on the road is unlikely and unrealistic.  So, I force myself up and rummage through my workout clothes looking for a clean pair of yoga pants and make a mental note to do the laundry when I get back. 

I don’t want to work out.  I do it because I feel good when it is over.  More comfortable in my own skin, more confident in my clothes, more optimistic about life and what I will accomplish for the rest of the day.  Putting time in to test my strength takes my mind off of my struggles and brings me peace that I can face whatever comes next.

As I grab a set of dumb bells, I notice that my nails desperately need to be painted.  The holidays are long past, and I have not removed the Christmas red paint, which is now grown out and my hands look so obviously neglected. 

Now, I am not the type of girl that enjoys getting her nails done.  I hate sitting in the nail salon.  I am antsy the whole time, thinking of all the other things I could be doing.  Not to mention that it is too expensive.  I rarely get them done, but for special occasions or to spend time with my mother I will make an exception.  I debate back and forth about simply removing what is left or going to get them re-polished. I think about the week ahead. I leave tomorrow for a week-long conference in which I have several presentations in front of my peers.  I decide that I will make the personal sacrifice today get a manicure at the nearest open salon.

Why?  Because it matters.  I do not enjoy the process of getting my nails done, but for some reason the end result makes me feel elegant and confident, and I am going to need all the confidence I can muster this week.  I will choose outfits that will be professional and yet edgy.  Why?  Because I need to feel strong and somewhat dangerous.  I will get up and do 50 sit-ups and 30 pushups before I start each day at this conference so that I can start my day with a win, distract myself for a moment of my stage fright, and remind myself that I am powerful and determined and worthy. 

No one will see me cranking out a short work-out in my hotel room, but I will feel stronger when I stand in front of them to speak.  No one will notice my nails, but when I am waving my hands around for emphasis, I will feel more put together.  No one will remember that I wore a graphic tee under my blazer with my high heels, but I will feel confident and brave for it and as a result my eye contact will be steady and I won’t have to worry if I forget my speech because I know the material and I will feel brave enough to wing it and still leave an impression. 

One of my presentations is on leadership and how to develop people who have competence, but lack confidence.  I think I will share this thought:

We spend so much time working for our clients.  Working to get things into production.  Working to pay bills.  Working to get done in time to take the kids to baseball practice.  We need to remind ourselves and our people that, while it is a blessing to have a career and a paycheck, that is not ALL we have that makes us successful.  Self-confidence is needed to lead others well, but it can’t be defined only by hitting your numbers and exceeding the company’s budget.  Figure out what makes you feel like a winner and make time to do that.  Maybe that is volunteer work.  Maybe it is coaching your kids’ swim team.  Maybe it’s getting your hair done and going out dancing with your man.  Maybe it is beating your personal best in bench-press, or running a 5K, or painting your nails in your kitchen or choosing to wear an outfit that is a little more on trend than you usually dare to.  YOU time matters!  Do it because it is worth it!  Because YOU are worth it Your intrinsic happiness is vital to your effectiveness and directly correlates to the impact that you will have on others. 

Make yourself take the stairs.  Change up your style.  Get a massage.  Turn up your music and ride with the windows down.  Buy the shoes.  Kiss your husband in public.  Rebel a little.  Make yourself laugh.  Find a way to win that only you would recognize and let it be enough that this one is for you.  Because you are worth it. And because a you that is fulfilled is a you that has something beautiful to give to others.

Spiritual Gifts

I have been writing since I was in first or second grade.  I remember the first short story I ever wrote.  It was summer and, having read every book in the house a few times at this point, I complained to my mother that I was bored.  She handed me a spiral notebook and a pencil and said that maybe since I had read all the books, I could try writing one of my own.  I laid down in the living room floor and wrote my first masterpiece; a story of a little girl who finds an abandoned baby deer in the woods and raises it, based loosely on an almost true story.

My mother had unknowingly unlocked a secret window to my soul that would never be closed.  I kept writing for fun, challenging myself with chapter books and poetry.  As I grew older and my walk with Christ deepened, my writing took on a more inspirational tone.  Even in times when I was an angry teenager, just trying to vent to some pages in private, God would creep into my work and what I meant to write as an expression of sadness or rage would morph into a story of God’s grace. 

When I began to understand spiritual gifts, there was never any question for me what mine was.  I have always been a writer.  It is as much a part of me as my name or my brown eyes and the freckles on my cheeks.  Sometimes I write so fast that the pen can’t keep up and even I can barely read it when it’s done.  When people ask me how I do it, the answer is simple.  “I don’t.  The Holy Spirit does the real work, I am just the one lucky enough to be holding the pen.”

Much like I have often wished for blue eyes like my brothers, I have sometimes wished for additional talents. Truth be told, I wanted to be a singer.  I have always always wished I could sing.  But that is not the gift He gave me. I got one, and singing is not it.

I’ve thought a lot about that.  If He had given me an incredible voice, I would definitely have been on stage by 15 chasing the devotion of fans all over the world.  Instead, I got a quiet gift that God seems to control for His glory, not mine.

If I was given a choice and I had to choose between having Whitney Houston’s voice or being a writer, I would choose to write.  My identity is tied to my gift.  It is a part of my soul.  I cherish it and I am grateful for it.  Grateful to know what it is and that my mother helped me discover my passion for it at such a young age.

All of that, and I still doubt it. I have days where I think that it isn’t worth the time to write. No one will read it. I’m not getting paid for it. It’s not my profession. What difference does it make? There are so many incredible authors who write way more intriguing and inspirational things than I do. ChatGPT makes everyone a writer! Maybe I should just give up.

As I think those words, I feel the Holy Spirit convict me and, in my heart, I hear Him whisper, “This is what I made you for.  If the only one who ever reads it is Me, I AM enough.  It was my gift to bestow, and I chose you.  It matters to me.” 

And I know it must be true, because the closer I walk with God, the harder it is for me to leave Him out of the work.  He turns everything to His glory.  He gave me a gift that would honor him.  And you know what?  He gave you one too!

Whatever your gift is, I hope you use it because it matters.  I hope you know that it honors God when you use the skills He gave you, because they are an expression of His character and creativity.  He is a poet.  He’s an artist. He is a builder. He is a comedian and an inspirational speaker.  He is a caregiver.  He’s a parent and a teacher, and a miracle worker, and a friend.  There is no creative, wise, or generous gift that does not come from your Maker.  And just as you delight in your 5-year old’s finger painting, so He treasures your works!

James 1:17 says, “Every good and perfect thing is a gift, coming down to us from God our Father who created all the lights in the heavens.” He is reflected in the best of your soul and when He sees you, He sees all that talent and creativity and propensity for kindness and generosity, shining like stars in the Arizona sky! There are things that only you can do.  Lives that you are meant to touch. Scars that you can help heal.  And a Father who made you and loves you and delights in the joy that fills you when you use the gifts He has given. 

Romans 12:6-8 gives us instructions on how we should identify and use our spiritual gifts.  I encourage you to take the time to read that chapter today.  What are you good at? What makes you happy?  What craft or responsibility brings you the most joy?  How can you use that talent to praise the one who placed that passion in your spirit?

 As we enter a new year, I challenge you to embark on a journey to discover your spiritual gifts and share them with others. Don’t hide your light from the world!  Use it to point others toward the maker of all good things and help others to find the joy you have found using the gifts that only you have been given. 

Well wishes for a Happy New Year,

-Danielle Nicole