The Playlist

You can tell a lot about a person by their playlist. 

I got home from work travel on Friday night.  Tired of eating out and looking for something easy to make my son for dinner, I decided to grill burgers by the pool.  I thought for sure I could tempt the teenager to join me, but he is not as impressed with pool life as I am.  Plus, it was 100 degrees outside, and the air was dripping with humidity, which is apparently too hot for swimming.  So, he passed on the pool party and stayed in to hunt for a movie for us to watch.

Turns out my son is not the only crazy person.  An entire apartment complex of residents must have agreed with him, because I had the whole pool to myself!  I was rich! I could grill, swim, sip my wine, sing!  I was free to pretend I owned the place, so I did.  I put my playlist on, connected to my bluetooth speaker and let Spotify run down the list of my favorite songs. 

As I sat with my feet in the water, I let my memories drift back to what each song meant to me.  What part of my life it met me in.   I let myself feel all the highs and lows of that ride. 

Audio Adrenaline: Walk on Water

“If I keep my eyes on Jesus I can walk on water.”

This song takes me to 17.  My best friend is driving, I am riding shotgun and my middle brother is in the backseat. 

Windows down, screaming the words while breaking every speed limit in the county.  Twisting through turns on the Tail of the Dragon to our favorite spot on Chilhowee lake.  Jamming to Walk on Water, psyching ourselves up to jump off that bridge when we got there. 

This song is youth.  It is bravery. It is freedom.  It is faith.

I had so much faith that God would make my life a series of sunny days like this one.

I was not afraid of the future. 

“I’ll be alright when the wind comes.  I’ll be alright when the waves come crashing.  I’m not afraid, no no, ‘cause this is my Father’s world”. 

I believed that God loved me and that as long as I loved Him back everything would work out the way I wanted it to.

But that is not exactly how it works, is it?

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Eric Church: Guys Like Me

Then one day I fell in love.  It was fast and it was fun.  And I always was an adrenaline junkie.

I ignored every red flag because they weren’t louder than all the hand-made rings he would make every day at work and propose with when he showed up at my parent’s front door.  

We went camping.  He jumped off the bridge with me. He loved my brothers, and they loved him.  He was ok being poor as long as we were together, and I thought that was romantic at 19. 

He had never heard of Audio Adrenaline, because he had never been to church.  He believed there was a God and that I had a connection with Him, and I took that as enough to work with.  And he loved country music, which was on the list of requirements in a partner.

We saw Eric Church in concert at a small venue in Knoxville, right before his big break, before he knew he was famous.  I had every single word in his whole first album memorized.

“Guys like me drink too many beers on Friday after work.  Our best blue jeans have Skoal rings. We wear our boots to church.  So rough around the edges, it’s hard to believe that girls like you, love guys like me.”

We were young.  I had big dreams, but we had unbalanced values and had no idea how hard life was about to get. 2008 came.  He lost his job, and his new best friend was Jack Daniels.  My values became standards that were too hard to meet. 

Eight years later, feeling like a failure, heartbroken, lost, and too tired to fight anymore, we ended our marriage. What I wanted most in the whole world was a family and I was losing mine.  My world went black. 

I began to replay the lyrics that had mattered to him most over and over in my head.  They told me what I could expect…I just hadn’t realized there was a message in the poetry he was attached to.  And he had missed the meaning in mine.

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Parker McCollum: I Can’t Breathe

I wish I could tell you that I ran back to God and my whole life miraculously improved from there. But I was not done trying to do things my way.

I tried and bailed out of several relationships, but eventually I found myself dancing in the kitchen with my best friend. It started as friendship and eventually evolved.

I thought this was it. He was not a Christain, but you could barely call me a Christian at this point. I would pray, but then I would hear from God and directly disobey because life was better than it had been for me since I was 17. I would bring God up and try to get him to go to church or pray with me, but for the most part my lifestyle reflected his. Together, we healed from the trauma of our broken marriages, but in the end, we broke each other’s hearts in a whole new way and I lost my favorite person in the process.

“I can’t breathe, baby I’m dyin’.  Why are you cryin, while I’m tryin’ for this love?  I can’t believe you think I’m lyin.  What are you not buyin? Is what I’m trying not enough?” 

Enough said.  I don’t think I need to elaborate on that pain.  Parker says it perfectly. 

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Lucero: It Gets the Worst at Night

Time goes by. Despite my failed attempts at finding the love I so desperately wanted, I had made traction in life.  I had graduated college.  I had a great career making more money than I ever dreamed I would, especially as a single mother. Not rich, but no longer broke. My kids were growing up, and despite what I would call failures in my life, my kids were pretty incredible young people and they made me look like a rockstar mom. 

My dreams were almost within reach.  But at night, when you’re alone, all the lonely has time to hit you.

So, I stayed busy.  I slept very little.  I worked, I wrote, I ran, I lifted, I traveled, I made memories with my kids, and I did my best to ignore and numb the desperate, broken, bitter pieces of my heart that I didn’t want anyone to see.  Especially God.  I didn’t want judgement. So sure that He could not forgive me for all the times I shut Him out, my depression and anxiety mounted.

I had forgotten that He is the Prince of Peace.  I was determined that if I worked hard enough I could right my own ship and then come back to God when I was something he could be proud of again.

But at night, when it got the worst, I felt trapped. 

“It’s 4 a.m.  I’m on the road again.  To find some peace.  Some old gravel road.  God only knows there’s nothin for me.  There ain’t nothin left for me in Tennessee.”

I was stuck in almost there.  Almost out of that jail that my lack of self-worth and my shame had me caged in, with no idea how to get out. I blamed being trapped in my hometown that didn’t feel like home anymore.  Maybe there was some truth to that.   But the Holy Spirit was trying to call my heart back to my maker.  I knew it, but I was too afraid to surrender.

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Chris Tomlin: Whom Shall I Fear

If God has a plan for you (and He does) He will carry it out until the day of its completion.  You are not mighty enough to change His course.  Like Jonah, you can run but you can’t hide. 

How overwhelmingly gracious is the heart of God!!!  That the Creator would take the time to pursue us! When I was not worthy, He called me chosen.  He gave me a new start.  He gave me a fresh heart.  He said I still had a purpose.  He was not done with me yet and not even I could mess up enough to fail Him. 

He opened the door for me to leave town.  He told me I had been lost in the wilderness long enough and it was time to take the Promised Land.  He told me to be strong and courageous.

“I know who goes before me.  I know who stands behind.  The God of angel armies is always by my side.  The one who reigns forever, he is a friend of mine.  The God of Angel armies is always by my side.

And nothing formed against me shall stand.  You hold the whole world in your hands.  I’m holding on to your promises.  You are faithful. You are faithful. You are faithful.”

Repeat.  Repeat that until you know it’s the truth, because it is.  And it will set you free.

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Tyler Rich: Leave Her Wild

“If you’re gonna love her leave her wild.  If you’re gonna make her, make her smile.  If you’re gonna let her, let her dance, let her sing, let her be whatever she wants to be. Leave her wild.”

This is my anthem for this Friday afternoon, manning the grill, dancing in the pool, and acting like I own the place.

Sunny skies and windows down once more. Joy restored.  I know who I am again.  I know I am walking on the path God meant for me and I am learning to trust that His timing is perfect.

I am FAR from perfect.  But He already knew that.  That’s why it’s called redemption.

I know who I am AND I know that God made me this way because I make Him laugh.  And I make Him proud.  And He likes to see me live fully.  Being the me He made me to be is glorifying to Him. So, I am jumping off cliffs, climbing mountains, dancing in the rain, writing, playing guitar, reading, praying and searching out His spirit within me.  I am making memories, not just evading sleep. 

I know who God made me to be. I am choosing to listen and learning to be patient.

If he wants to bring me a love other than His, it will be a man who is also after His own heart.  It will be a man who hears this song and sees me in the lyrics.  His values will align with mine, because his heart will align with God’s.  He will leave me wild because that is how he found me.

He will love Jesus more than me.

And I will love him fiercely for it.

You can learn a lot about a person from their playlist.  And you know what’s cool about that? 

You get to pick the next song.

What will yours be?