Not so many nights ago, I laid awake talking to God with no filter. I was tired. Emotionally exhausted from trying to hold my ship together. I won’t go into all the details, but Little Miss Fix It was about to break.
It wasn’t really the stress of all the challenges, but the being in it alone part that was crushing.
If I am honest, I know that I DO have help available. I could make a phone call, and my parents would save me. I have friends in town that would do anything at any time, all I need to do is ask.
But I never ask.
There are two things that I absolutely can’t stand; being made to feel unintelligent and feeling like I am a burden to someone.
The last thing I ever want to do is burden anyone. I would rather figure out how to get what we need all on my own than feel like I caused someone else to sacrifice or feel my pain. Maybe I have that “eldest daughter syndrome” that is popping up all over my social feeds.
Whatever the reason, I operate solo. Not necessarily by choice, but more in an effort to shelter everyone around me. Everything has been on my shoulders for so long that providing is my norm. I don’t play the victim card, and I don’t even allow myself to think in terms of anything less than gratitude.
Usually.
But at this moment, I needed some help. Not financial help, but comfort. I needed someone to love me and to act like it. I needed someone to SEE ME. See my effort and appreciate me. Encourage me. I didn’t know who or how to ask. So, I asked God.
“God,” I said. “It’s been a long time since I have let a man anywhere near my heart. I have sought out my relationship with you over everything else. I feel like you have asked me to be patient in my single season, and I have not pursued a relationship apart from you.”
“But I am tired. I am lonely. I have no one to hug me at the end of the day. No one to speak the words, “It’s going to be ok. I got you.” So, God, if you want me to walk this alone, and not with a partner, then I am going to need you to somehow shoulder this burden with me. If these things have to be overcome, I need you to be the man for me. I was not made to do all these things and face all this struggle in life by myself and my heart is about to break. There is only so much one woman can do. I need you in a way I have never experienced you. I need it to FEEL like you have me. If I let go and let God, I need you to show me that you have it.”
I have never prayed for God to step in as my husband before. That sounds so weird, but that is basically what I asked for. I was too tired to pull the ship against the current alone anymore. I was asking permission to take a seat. Not give up. Not quit. Not admit defeat. I was asking for permission to rest let Him figure out how we were going to get through this one.
I was asking for comfort. I was asking for invisible arms to wrap me up in a hug and reassure me that it was ok for me to do this. That I was not a burden. That it was His honor and His position in our relationship to lead. I needed Him to say, “This is what I am here for. LET me. It brings me joy that you asked. Take a break. I got you.”
So, I let go and let God. I am not good at it. My faith was there, and even a sense of peace, but my heightened anxiety took some time to sit down and shut up.
But tonight, singing Switchfoot and chopping carrots in the kitchen, I realized that He did it. My problems are not gone, no miracle money dropped into my account and all the same obstacles surround me, but He lightened my load.
Through absolutely no prompting on my part:
Work called to say, “Don’t worry. We see your value. We believe in you, and we are in this with you. Just breath.”
A friend called to say, “Let’s go for coffee and a walk and enjoy this spring weather.”
Someone showed up and said, “Let me look at your Jeep and see if I can fix it.”
Another friend showed up and didn’t say anything. Just gave me the world’s best hug. The kind of hug that you can disappear in. The safe kind. The kind that says, “I got you.”
And all that together, when you add it up, looks a lot like God selecting the willing to help lighten the load.
He sent words of affirmation.
He sent quality time.
He sent acts of service.
He even sent physical touch.
Heck! The only love language He didn’t send was the receiving of gifts, but I’d say that the way He packaged up all those people in one week to lift me up, one day at a time and one love language at a time, that is a beautiful gift!
I was tired and I told God I thought I might break. Today, he opened my eyes to see the beautiful break He gave me.
I asked God that if He won’t send me a husband, could He figure out how to make me feel as loved as the most tenderly cherished wife anyway.
And you know what? He did.
Well Water Life 