Surrender: Part 2

This section of surrender is so delicate, not just because it is a sensitive and personal topic and not just because it will require some honesty and transparency on my part, but because with this level of honesty there is a risk that offense will be made regardless of the innocence of the intent.

My prayer is that God would guide me in my approach and delivery of this confession and use this as a catalyst for courage.  Again, courage not just for me to share this, but for me to be able to live it out and for maybe someone, somewhere to read this and feel emboldened to also stand in this surrender. 

So here we go.

In my pursuit of Christ and in my abandonment of self I have ever so slowly, subtly, and steadily experienced a shift in my desires.  I prayed that His will be done and that He would take all my heart’s desires and replace them with His.  I prayed that my trust would grow and that who I am would start to look more and more like who He is. 

What I did not expect to happen is that it worked.  Because it did not happen overnight, I did not pray for change and wake up the next day behaving in a completely different way and making bold claims that Jesus had made me a new person and I was guiltless and never going to sin again. That is not how it happened.  It happened so gradually that I almost didn’t notice it.

What I noticed first was peace.  I noticed that I was no longer punishing myself with my guilt and my self-pity and that I was trusting that when God says He forgives me, that it is forgiven and gone and now I live under the protection of His grace. 

But He is still a God that seeks our loyalty out of love for him.  He is not looking for slaves, He is looking for sons and daughters.  For that reason, just because He has forgiven us does not mean that He will then force His will upon us.  We are allowed to choose to submit to it and desire it and pursue it.

So, here is what I found.  I may have renewed commitment to Him and accepted His mercy and asked for His will, and I may have meant every word and longed for that in my soul, but the day-to-day temptations of the flesh had not been removed.  I had the same friends going to the same places and seeking the same pleasures.  I love these people and they had been there for me in dark times, but there were things about that lifestyle that were not in alignment with what I was asking God to do in me.  Little by little, the more I sought God the more the Holy Spirit within me shook when I acted in ways that were incongruent with my commitment. 

Here is what happened.  The Holy Spirit living in me rebelled against my flesh.  I could no longer find pleasure in participating in the things that our culture today calls societal norms. 

I believe that God moved me to force me into some serious alone time so that I had to really evaluate the condition of my heart.  He took me out of my city and set me in a place of loneliness, asked me to be brave, and reassured me that He would wait here in this place of solitude with me and that if I would still be willing to submit, He would see me through and bless me in this place. He has. 

But here is where it gets hard.

A year later, I have been living in a new city and slowly made some new friends, but I have not been on a date.  I have never, ever been on a dating app, which in today’s society is already going to make it very difficult to meet someone.  I understand that, but I had already chosen not to put myself out there to be selected based off my best selfie prior to my decision to surrender my own desires in exchange for His.  What changed is that I am no longer looking.  I am not dating, not trying to date, not putting myself in a position to meet anyone and not going to out to the typical environments that lead to a meet-cute.

Here’s why.  It’s because I am bad at dating.  I am great at loving people and have a true, natural desire to want to take care of people, but I am bad at protecting my heart, my relationship with God, and my finances from people that I love. 

I am not hiding from the dating scene because I live in fear that I will be hurt and heartbroken.  I am just no longer intrigued by a relationship that leads with attraction, moves to sexual sin, and then considers God’s will after my heart is already invested. 

My heart is invested.  It has taken a year of practice and commitment, but piece by piece my heart has recognized that it has been bought and paid for by the Holy Spirit and I can no longer settle for anything superficial and still live in the peace that has come from my time of solitude and submission.  I can’t go back to a lifestyle of modern American culture.  I just can’t do it.  I don’t want to do it.  My desires have changed.

What I want you to hear from this is that it was gradual and it was painful and there were days of initial denial and attempted rebellion, but they led to a soul sickness that was almost physical and I changed my prayer from “God, I don’t want to be alone” to “God, if I am going to be alone help me to not feel so broken and desperate for companionship that does not draw me closer to your plan.” 

My prayer changed.  My heart’s desires became His heart’s desires because that is what I asked for.  I am living in complete contradiction to everything current culture says I should be doing if I don’t want to end up doing life all alone.  Is that scary?  Of course!  Is that brave?  I think so.  Is it lonely? YES! 

Is there peace in trusting that either God will provide a partner that is equally invested and will deepen my walk and add to my peace OR He won’t, and He will walk with me and ease my suffering and allow me to find joy and fulfillment as I chase after the purpose He has for me.  ABSOLUTELY.

That is a big sacrifice.  That is a lot to surrender.  This has been the absolute most difficult part of my journey, because if you know me then you know that I want to be loved.  I want so badly to be in love and loved by someone.  I don’t think I am so different in that.  I think most of us want that.  But for me, God has asked me to give up the search and to let Him do the work on this.  My instructions are to wait and to get ready for whatever He shows me next. To let go and let God in ALL things, especially in the areas that have always been most difficult to surrender. 

The reason this is so hard to share is because this type of declaration invites all kinds of judgement from those who know my past and from anyone who does not share my conviction.  That is fine.  I understand that this is not a popular stance and will cause people to question my sanity.  That is okay, because I would not trade the peace that I have found for all the swipes or the likes in the digital universe. 

It’s my walk.  It’s my surrender.  Yours may look different, but if you are not being challenged in some way on some level then it might be time to evaluate whose leadership you have surrendered to. 

Here is how you will recognize the path you are on.

Following your own will is easy until it’s not, and then you will be running back to ask God to fix it. 

Following God’s will is difficult until it’s not, and you will be running forward in confidence that where you are going is better than what you have left behind.